I went to the doctor's today. I have been vomitting ocassionally, and battling with nausea and breathlessness since Sunday night. It took me 3 days of grappling with these symptoms to finally be convinced that I NEED to see a Doctor! I was stupidly stubborn. I even further encouraged the 'doctor' in me by consulting my all time favourite self diagnosis tool; Mr. Google. lol. One day, it would be indigestion, another day, it would be food poisoning...and it gets more and more far fetched from the original disease..lol. However, the symptoms got to a point of utter annoyance, disrupting my ability to work, and so I finally did the smartest thing I could have done all week.
It was a rather funny appointment. Instead of the usual-patient providing symptoms, doctor diagnosing disease, I ended up ranting on and on about my symptoms as well as all the different medication I purchased from the pharmacy to treat my 'imaginary' self diagnosed disease. I practically brought her through the whole chain of imagined 'illnesses' that contributed to my impulsive, bizarre purchase of medications. Its funny to me because here I was, sitting next to a doctor, but instead of making full use of this service, I end up doing the doctors job, while she sits quietly, and waits patiently to collect the 85AUD consultation fee at the end of the session. I can imagine her thinking, "What are you even doing here? It sounds like you already figured out what the problem is."
"It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. But go and learn what this means: I desire mercy, not sacrifice. For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners."- Jesus Christ.
In Matthew, Jesus answers the Pharisees; who by their human understanding questions His fellowship with tax collectors and sinners on the dinner table, with this phrase. To me..it is the perfect analogy, such a simple truth, that speaks of the core of the christian walk; the walk that is initiated,guided, and directed by the cross of grace, the ressurection of Christ.
The day I understood and believed Christ the son of God as my Saviour and doctor in this sinful messed up world, was a day when I desperately NEEDED, wanted, a doctor, despite my rebellion against Him. I remember approaching Him dressed in old, ugly rags, repentance, and in humility (casting away all pre-self diagnosis, at least for that moment). Today, this should still be the way I walk this life...a walk, in TOTAL need of Him. (for is not Jesus our righteousness, holiness, and redemption? 1 Cor 1:30) After all, wasn't this the whole point of this huge reconciliation plan between man and God?
My doctor appointment made me realize how I've lost sight recently of Jesus as my spiritual Doctor, who is in position to not only diagnose the Disease, but also in love, address the symptoms from a point of truth and not thwarted google opinions. Many times I have tried to interpret the symptoms with my own intellect, which in the end leads to frustration. Worse still, I come to doctor Jesus for help but instead of listening first to what the doctor's questions are for me, I bombard him with all my questions, and preconcieved notions, my findings, research of the matter at hand.
In the end of the day, the intentions of my fleshly heart is clear; I love my own facts, interpretations, and false security more than wanting to trust Him as my doctor.
I hear Him ask me, "Then why come to me at all for help? Why even become a Christian?"
If I cannot rely on Him fully for my righteousness, holiness, redemption, fruits of the spirit..etc (and many more things that confirms i'm on the right path as a christian), then I am not following Christ. I have made my own weak human knowledge, and others' initiator and director of my walk. I am no longer walking by grace.
"Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me." John 15
I need the vine to be my source of nourishment. I need Jesus to give me my fruits. I need my first love Jesus. The Jesus who died on the cross for me. An undeserved healing.
I am greatly reminded that in all matters....(be it worldy issues, doctrinal beliefs, spiritual experiences)...the doctor has the answer. If only we approach him in humility, we would understand with the wisdom given by Him. Wisdom that brings peace and not frustration.
I need the vine to be my source of nourishment. I need Jesus to give me my fruits. I need my first love Jesus. The Jesus who died on the cross for me. An undeserved healing.
I am greatly reminded that in all matters....(be it worldy issues, doctrinal beliefs, spiritual experiences)...the doctor has the answer. If only we approach him in humility, we would understand with the wisdom given by Him. Wisdom that brings peace and not frustration.
