KNOWING IS NOT ENOUGH

Today was a tiring day. I got back my results for my trials. (that is why it was draining)

As I was heading out the library today, all prepared to start walking the 10 minutes walk to the bus station, it started drizzling. Wearing a three quarter pants, slippers, and no hoodie, (I thought it was supposed to be spring-summer??), I was forced to walk as fast as I could, hoping I wont get blown away by the strong winds, or get drenched from head to toe.

because I had my day planned out, I knew I HAD to catch the 4.30 bus. I was determined to finish reading a pile of chemistry questions in the one hour ride, hoping that by the time I get home, I'll be able to take a nap, before starting a proper revision session. I knew I could'nt miss the bus. I just COULDNT.

I was getting nearer to the bus stop, unfortunately, the rain started POURing. At that same moment, I walked past this very sandy area (supposed to be a short cut to the bus stop), and started regretting I took this route. My legs were slowly coated with brown, mucky, stains, and my feet, erk... -.- I was quite discouraged because I was so determined to make this day productive (no I have not been using my days wisely), and the unexpected pouring rain just Got in the way. I started worrying I wouldnt make it in time to catch the bus. And so, I Ran.

By the time I got to the stop, my legs werent so pleasant looking, but thank God, I had 3 minutes before the bus arrived. So, I wiped off some of the dirt, and started searching my backpocket for my BusCard (has similar functions as a touch&go card) That was when I Realized, it was No where to be found. I searched my bag a gazillion times, I knew deep inside, it fell down somewhere on the way, but I just did'nt want to accept that fact. I felt like I've gone through too much to miss this bus! LOL. (and I could'nt afford to ruin today's plans as I had limited time left to buck up in my studies) And so, there I was, the only person at the bus stop without a hoodie, drenched and searching frantically for her imaginary buscard.

The bus came, and the bus went. My card was not to be found. I looked back the path I took to come all the way here and thought to myself, "It's too late! If I go back, to find for my card, I'll miss the next bus and I will have to wait for half an hour for the next one, in this freakin weather!" I checked my wallet for coins, and realized I did'nt have enough for the fare. >.<

Great. Looking around, there were 2 other girls waiting for the same bus. One of them was on a phonecall, talking animatedly, full of gestures and a big frown on her forehead. Na-ah, not the right timing. And so, I decided to ask the other girl who was texting. When I told her what happened, and asked if she had any coins, guess what was her response? She started laughing like crazy, and said, "I also did not board the previous bus because my Buscard was out of credit AND I realized I did'nt have enough money. Soo, I'm calling someone to pick me up now." WOW. Of all Days and people. -.- .. Just when I thought all hope was gone, I saw my friend from afar at another stop. Well she DID LOOK exactly like my friend... from afar. And so, I started walking towards her, with a smile of relief on my face. As I reached her, to my horror, what seemed like a friendly stare, suddenly looks like a quizzical, 'who-the-heck-is-this-smiling-lunatic' facial expression. I appologize and said 'I thought you were my friend.'. Embarassing.
Walked away, dejected, hopes gone.

I suddenly felt really really angry, and utterly annoyed. Angry at myself for being careless, and annoyed with the fact that this all has to happen today. I was so frustrated, I felt like shouting out loud and crying like a baby. Like a childish , kid, or spoilt brat. I just felt like not doing anything..

then I felt a small voice telling me,
....


"This is your problem. You think you can mend all the broken pieces, whenever you break something, but the truth is you really can't. Until you accept your mistakes and the changes life brings, and learn how to be OPTIMISTIC in situations like 'these', you will forever remain this unsatisfied child, sulking away because life just did'nt go your way. Life is not a video game where you can "Restart" every level until you achieve "perfect scores". It is not a Diary, where you can invent your own perfect tales and memories...

GO BACK THERE, AND FACE YOUR MISTAKE. Don't restart your game by getting a new buscard. (eventhough its really cheap to get a new one) Because no matter how many times you 'replay the game', your life is NOT going to be PERFECT, and YOU KNOW IT. Knowing is not enough, you need to FACE it. "

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at that moment, I really felt like I was slapped hard on the face. So, I started retracing my steps, (the storm was getting heavier), walked past the muddy area, pass the whole carpark, pass the student houses, pass the field, pass the basketball court, pass the second field, and FINALLY, I spotted something WHITE (with digusting black spots) on the ground. My Buscard buried in mud. At this point, I started laughing like a maniac. Standing there, under the storm, drenched, my terrible exam scores in my bag all wet, I laughed like there was no tomorow. I never felt....happier.

You guessed it. People were staring at my disgusting appearance, when I reached the bus stop, but, I was feeling too weird to care. I don't know. It's weird. I just feel like this incident helped me release and accept the other things in life I am now trying to 'replay' in order to get rid of the mistakes. Or, maybe bury them unconsciously.

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Got in the bus, and instead of studying, I decided to continue reading this book by Arthur Wallis I started on recently. I relocated the last page I read, and it was the chapter 4 -"Helping our weakness." It all looked abit clearer..

an extract from the book,

{ Elsewhere, he (Paul) speaks of other experiences that brought home the same great principle, as when he prayed unsuccesfully for the removal of his 'thorn in the flesh', and God said, 'My power is made perfect in weakness' (2Cor 12:9). When the Holy Spirit brings home to us this truth of our insufficiency, we shall bow and accept it, and prove with Paul that it is not out of weakness that God's power is made perfect. Even so in prayer, 'the Spirit helps us in our weakness'.

Some know 'the rest of utter weakness' and others only know the striving of utter weakness. The one is a thing of faith, the other a thing of works; the one a thing of the Spirit, the other a thing of the flesh. It is, after all, only the pride of our own hearts that causes us to rebel against this innate weakness, to strive to escape from its clutches and attain a place of strength, of independence, of self sufficiency. it seems to cut right across our efforts to achieve self-significance. How wonderful it is when we discover, often through the discipline of repeated failure, that this weakness with which we seem to be permanently saddled is not 'the end', but a new and wonderful beginning-the gateway to heaven's resources.}

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that extract just really striked something.
*still thinking about it.. *

and as usual, i realized I wrote too much, long winded, and once again my thoughts are jumping from here to there. I wonder if I read this back one day, if I can actually piece them all together and understand what I'm trying to say.

but reflecting by blogging does help me think clearer...
when we're standing in the river of deliverance, everything just looks so messed up.
but thank you God for sending your Son and the Holy Spirit..that no matter how messed up we feel in this battle, there is always someone interceding for us..

peacing out,

----to the books. Last 2 weeks to freedom.----------

Obama declares swine flu outbreak a National Emergency

NERDUNICE RUNNING IN FULL FORCE (or at least is trying to)

My last MOCK paper will be on the coming Monday. Then in 2 weeks time, I will be sitting for my FINALS (weighing 50% of the whole course)


Mood atm : really frustrated because I can't seem to concentrate as much as I want or need to on my studying. It's not like there is much distractions around me (except from the internet), but I keep thinking about Post-Exam Possibilities.

yeap. got bored and distracted while studying human biology, thus the randomly,stress-inspired, scribbling.. -.-

All the best in your college examinations Yoon Jhen~ and Lee, all the best in your Finals too.

I'll be waiting for my results in December, before I'll decide wether to fly back or not..Will inform you guys.=)

p/s: I officially dread Winter! I find it a torture. Summer is coming very soon. and I just can't wait to feel the warmth on my skin again.. Missing Malaysia's weather so much.

Sometimes, we'll just never know until it's too late.

Even their own medical professionals would'nt give it to their own children.
Finally out in the open? hmm..

O.O

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/earth/wildlife/6187320/Snake-with-foot-found-in-China.html